just feeling sad...

Just a few moments ago, I was in a perfectly good mood. That was until I checked my myspace account. After looking around through some friends, I came across someone's profile that saddened me and really touched my heart. She is a mother of a 2 year old girl who has (to put simply) a brain tumor. The little girl is too young to have the surgery as it is way too risky. This little girl died last night...strange that I don't even know these people and I am sitting here bawling my eyes out. Maybe it's because I am a mom and I could never, and would never want to, imagine losing a child of my own. My son is everything to me.
I know that God has a plan for everything, but it still doesn't keep me from asking "why?" Why take such an innocent child, why make the parents hurt so deeply? My heart goes out to the parents that have to experience the loss of a child. It is an experience that I pray I will never have to endure.
Sorry for the depressing blog, I just needed to express myself. It's amazing how becoming a parent is the most joyous thing in the world, but at the same time it is the most terrifying as well.

Potty training, here we come!

Gavin has been taking an interest in the toilet lately. He knows what it is for and he will tell me when he has to go "pee pee". Except he doesn't actually go, instead he goes through the actions while saying "pssssssss". It's really cute, but tiresome as well. Especially because he'll tell me several times during the day (even at Walmart) but he won't actually do the deed.

So since he has been removing his diaper constantly, I've been letting him run free outside occasionally.

I knew this moment of potty training was coming soon, but I'm still not quite prepared for it...It's bittersweet, my baby is no longer a baby...he's growing up...I wish he could stay little forever.

A parade, a lolly and a zoo...oh my!

Gavin has had a week of "firsts". And just when I thought that stage was gone...It's amazing how many different things that us adults take for granted, when our children haven't even had the joy of experiencing them yet.




He went to his first parade during Colony Days in Palmer last weekend. He had such a great time watching the fire trucks, motorcycles and animals. He especially liked the candy.





In his candy stash from the parade, he discovered a "dum dum" sucker. Although he never managed to finish it, he sure did like the taste of it!












At Crystal's baby shower he was able to play on the playground equipment. This was his first time on a tube slide. He had a BLAST! Can't you tell by the huge smile on his face?














A baby shower wouldn't be complete without a piece of cake. And that cake was yummy! It wasn't a first time experience for him (cake-eating) but I just had to post this picture. It was my most favorite one of the day.









Erin and I were able to take advantage of the gorgeous weather we had last weekend and took Gavin to the zoo. He had a great time and we loved watching the looks of excitement on his face. Most of the time he rode on top of daddy's shoulders...well, at least until we got to the porcupine exhibit. He kicked off one of his shoes and it landed over the fence and next to the cage. Erin had to go get a zoo employee to retrieve his shoe. It was quite comical.

A parade, a lolly, a baby shower and a trip to the zoo...all in one beautiful weekend. We are truly blessed. And I never realized how much fun even the simplest things are, when you have a child who is seeing things for the first time.

John

The following was taken from my blog on Myspace:

"Last week I lost a person in my life who was really important to me. My friend John Knapp was killed in a tragic car accident. He was driving home from work and was just 5 minutes away from home when he fell asleep at the wheel. He then ended up hitting a light post and knocking it down. He had a toolbox in the backseat and it ended up hitting him in the back of his head, breaking his neck. He was brain dead on the scene. He died shortly later.
I found out about his death on the day of his funeral, which was a week ago Thursday. I felt shocked, saddened, angry, robbed...Last night I found out the details of the accident and I felt all of those emotions again. I can't believe he is really gone...I'm never going to see his shitty assed smile...or feel one of his great bear hugs...I know that there are others who are feeling a greater loss than I am, especially since I had lost contact with him these last 2 years..but John touched my life, he changed my life really, and I never got to thank him for all he did.
John and I worked together at Carrs, and became good friends. We were both in relationships at the time, but we were both having problems. We would talk and offer advice...a little while later he ended a long and very serious relationship. I was still in mine, but it was very bad...anyway, we hung out together one night with some friends and we talked about the relationship that I was in. John helped me realize that there were better guys out there and that I didn't deserve what I was getting. Charmer that John was, I fell for him that night. All I wanted was to be with this amazing guy...so the next day I ended my awful relationship. I know that John and I were just rebounders...but he gave me hope. And-this may sound cheesy--but he saved me. He saved me from myself and he gave me the confidence I needed to move on. I truly believe that if it weren't for him, I would probably still be in that awful relationship and not where I am now...happily married with a beautiful little boy.
As far as I know, John didn't even know that I had a son. I'm sorry that I didn't keep in better touch with him...I'm sorry that I never got to thank him for changing my life...And I'm sorry that I never got to say goodbye..."
It wasn't until just now that I realized it has been a full year since he has been gone. I knew the day was approaching, but I haven't been paying much attention to the date lately. Maybe thats why. I think about John so often. I think about his family and the pain that they have experienced. I think about all of the things he was cheated out of. I think of how lucky I am to have what I have in my life right now. And I think about how close I was to seeing him the day of his accident...I drove by the accident right after it had happened, not knowing whose car it was...but I remember telling Erin as we drove by, "I really hope that wasn't somebody we know."
But it was somebody we knew, somebody that in spite of not keeping in touch for 2 years, was a very important person to me.
There are times when I think I see him, in the store, driving around town...its hard. But I know that the sadness that I feel is selfish. For he is with God now...He needed more good carpenters up there, you know.

(after re-reading this post, I feel that it isn't even close to what I really wanted to say. Words just cannot describe my feelings or do him justice. I guess what I really want to say is that...I miss him.)

A prelude to Summer

Today was such a beautiful day. I was really surprised at just how warm it was, especially since just the other day it was so yucky and cold. I'm not sure what the temperature was, but it was definitely a nice reminder of the warm weather that is yet to come.
Gavin had such a fun day outside...he was able to help Daddy and Papa put a fence up around the garden...

he played with his Tonka trucks on the lawn...
Ate a little bit of dirt (yuck!)...
Played telephone with Grandma Dawn...
Took a ride on the deer lawn ornament at Great Grandma and Great Papa's house...
Pretended to be bashful when Momma wanted pictures of him...
And smiled for a cute picture with his number one fan! Whew, what a day! It was so wonderful being outside. I can't wait for more days like this!

Mothers Day

Mothers Day this year was actually quite chilly. So unlike years passed, we spent the majority of it indoors. After spending the large part of the day at home, we went up to my grandma's house for dinner with the family. Before we went inside, we were able to snap a few pictures to remember the day. The wind started picking up, much to Gavin's delight, so we decided to call it quits after a few minutes.
We had a nice visit with the family, and Gavin had a fun time being a little monster! Well, he behaved probably about 70% of the time. The other 30% was spent yelling at the dinner table, terrorizing the dogs and muttering "oh thit!". Yes, unfortunately Gavin has picked up a bad word, most likely from my Fergie cd. I guess I'm really going to have to be more careful about that...
All in all, we had a good time but it was good to come home and rest. Gavin was totally wiped out and fell asleep within thirty minutes of being home. Which is wonderful for me because now I have the rest of the evening to myself! Woohoo!
Until next time, goodnight, and Happy Mothers Day to all you hard working mommas out there!

It's been awhile...

I know, it's been awhile since my last blog. Things have been hectic and very stressful for the 3 of us lately.

Erin has been trying to get a job with the corrections facility in Seward and has been patiently waiting to hear if he passed the interview. If he did, he'll have to pass a few more tests until it's a for sure thing. We are praying and keeping our fingers crossed that he gets this job, heaven knows the job he is at right now is a dead end one. He's been promised time and time again that he would receive a raise, but of course, it always falls through. When his supervisors found out that he was trying to look for a better job to support his family, they threatened his job. Two weeks ago we were really worried that at this time right now, he wouldn't have a job. Thankfully, he is still employed, even though the company is totally bogus, but that is one less burden on our shoulders. For now at least.

On top of all this, I found out that Erin's dad thinks Gavin is showing signs of autism. Of course, he didn't tell me face to face, I found out through Erin. I also found out that during this conversation that he had with my husband that he had the audacity to ask if Gavin was planned or if was he an accident. While confronting my father-in-law about this, it was more of a yelling match than a civilized conversation. We voiced some opinions and had much to say...and Erin, him and I are still not really talking. And this was a week ago. I could really go into depth in this situation, but I'd rather not, as it still upsets me. The point is, Gavin does not have autism, does not show any signs, and is developing perfectly normal for a child with mild hearing loss. These concerns were put to rest by his hearing doctor and if my father-in-law would have come to ME in the beginning, things wouldn't have escalated the way they did, since it is I that takes Gavin to the doctor and it is I who voices my concerns over his development and finds out the answers to these questions. Can you feel my anger? Arrgh...it's so frustrating...I know he meant well, but he went about the whole thing wrong. Anyway....

Not sure if you noticed, but my weight loss ticker is gone. No, I haven't given up, I just haven't tracked anything and my account closed, I'm assuming. I've realized in the past month that stress definately makes me eat more...so I haven't been doing too well. So, I'm going to start over. Maybe this time I can follow through...I'll post a new ticker within the next few days.
For now, I'll leave you with some recent pics of Gavin...he really is my sunshine in all of this rain...