John

The following was taken from my blog on Myspace:

"Last week I lost a person in my life who was really important to me. My friend John Knapp was killed in a tragic car accident. He was driving home from work and was just 5 minutes away from home when he fell asleep at the wheel. He then ended up hitting a light post and knocking it down. He had a toolbox in the backseat and it ended up hitting him in the back of his head, breaking his neck. He was brain dead on the scene. He died shortly later.
I found out about his death on the day of his funeral, which was a week ago Thursday. I felt shocked, saddened, angry, robbed...Last night I found out the details of the accident and I felt all of those emotions again. I can't believe he is really gone...I'm never going to see his shitty assed smile...or feel one of his great bear hugs...I know that there are others who are feeling a greater loss than I am, especially since I had lost contact with him these last 2 years..but John touched my life, he changed my life really, and I never got to thank him for all he did.
John and I worked together at Carrs, and became good friends. We were both in relationships at the time, but we were both having problems. We would talk and offer advice...a little while later he ended a long and very serious relationship. I was still in mine, but it was very bad...anyway, we hung out together one night with some friends and we talked about the relationship that I was in. John helped me realize that there were better guys out there and that I didn't deserve what I was getting. Charmer that John was, I fell for him that night. All I wanted was to be with this amazing guy...so the next day I ended my awful relationship. I know that John and I were just rebounders...but he gave me hope. And-this may sound cheesy--but he saved me. He saved me from myself and he gave me the confidence I needed to move on. I truly believe that if it weren't for him, I would probably still be in that awful relationship and not where I am now...happily married with a beautiful little boy.
As far as I know, John didn't even know that I had a son. I'm sorry that I didn't keep in better touch with him...I'm sorry that I never got to thank him for changing my life...And I'm sorry that I never got to say goodbye..."
It wasn't until just now that I realized it has been a full year since he has been gone. I knew the day was approaching, but I haven't been paying much attention to the date lately. Maybe thats why. I think about John so often. I think about his family and the pain that they have experienced. I think about all of the things he was cheated out of. I think of how lucky I am to have what I have in my life right now. And I think about how close I was to seeing him the day of his accident...I drove by the accident right after it had happened, not knowing whose car it was...but I remember telling Erin as we drove by, "I really hope that wasn't somebody we know."
But it was somebody we knew, somebody that in spite of not keeping in touch for 2 years, was a very important person to me.
There are times when I think I see him, in the store, driving around town...its hard. But I know that the sadness that I feel is selfish. For he is with God now...He needed more good carpenters up there, you know.

(after re-reading this post, I feel that it isn't even close to what I really wanted to say. Words just cannot describe my feelings or do him justice. I guess what I really want to say is that...I miss him.)